November 2009: 200 lbs

December 2009: 180 lbs

May 2010: 190lbs

February 2011: 200 lbs

September 2011: 188lbs

May 2012: 162 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I remember being 15 and having to tell my dad I was 196 lbs for insurance purposes. And I remember being younger than that, maybe 12 to 13 years old and being 173 lbs. So basically, as far back as I can remember, I have not been this light. GOODNESS. And yesterday I told a customer that they should try green smoothies for weight loss, as I’m proof it works, I lost 25 pounds. And despite the fact that I’ve been sick, I’m still losing. Despite the fact that I haven’t seriously exercised since I got sick two weeks ago and then got sick AGAIN with a new illness a week ago, I’m still losing weight. I shouldn’t be surprised, as this is how I started (counting calories and not working out) but I’m just happy. It makes my goal weight of 150 seem so close!

I went from being a size XL/18-16 pants and size XXL shirt to being a size 11-13 pant/MEDIUM everything! And while I’m not done yet, I’m so glad I’ve made these changes.

I can do it. So can you.

I have never felt so nauseous before in my life. And it has nothing to do with my digestive system AT ALL.

dear craig,

instead of being a logical person, and simply asking you if you were planning on buying another gun, I overreacted. And in my overreaction, I brought up a lot of emotions that I hide well from day to day. I brought up things that bother me, things that are unrelated, but to me, they related well to my feelings.

I made a mistake and instead of getting mad back at me, you didn’t say anything, really.

I’m beginning to hate this blog. So what if there are pretty pictures online? There are pretty pictures WAITING to be taken outside, in the world. There are posts that I’ve written that I’d like to save, (i.e. the posts I wrote while I was falling in love with you) but other than that, I think I need to be done with this. Tumblr is a community of all sorts of different people, but the people I tend to be interested in reading their blogs, have the same problems as me. I won’t find the cure by following people with the same issues. I don’t think anyone actually reads my posts other than you, so if I write something particularly beautiful one day, I’ll do it in a journal, on a page, with a pen, and maybe I’ll let you read it. But this whole having my whole life available for analysis on the internet, is a little played out. I don’t sit at home, on tumblr, smoking pot while touching myself and simultaneously watching a movie at 4am after work anymore. I simply don’t. I’ve changed all my habits. I don’t eat junk or fast food anymore, I don’t watch television, I do yoga, I’ve lost weight, I’m better. So I need to BE better too. I need to get rid of all of the bad habits and that includes my tumblr. So, ultimately, it has to go.

Hopefully I’ll have time later to go through my posts and save the ones I want. I want to have this deleted by next week.

I feel sad, and anxious, and scared and, my hip hurts and I’m overwhelmed. My throat hurts and I feel like things are ending, things are crashing down. I feel like I can’t let this go. And by this, I mean this incident. I wish I could, I wish I could just be like, oh well, he doesn’t want to buy me things, whatever. But that’s not even it, it’s the fact that he’s so pressed on being prepared for the end of the world, inheriting his parents house, that kevin’s going to be off having a family with kristin in PA, and I’m just going to be stuck. forever.

I feel fragile, I feel like everything is crashing down around me. I can’t breathe. I want to get out, I want to be free of this body. I want eternal sleep. I want to no longer feel anything. My skin is crawling and I can’t stop crying. Why does this matter so much to me? because it seems like what matters to me, doesn’t matter to you.

I turned off my phone. I don’t know why, it’s not as if you’re awake or trying to call me. Just sometimes, I take things personally, that maybe I shouldn’t. But how is it not personal? I try to do nice things without thinking about you giving me something in return. Hell, all I fucking wanted was a love letter. You said you’d give me one. I remember after my birthday, it was as if you’d had an epiphany. You were so loving, so caring, so sweet, and even a little sad, that you’d felt you didn’t appreciate me, didn’t take care of me when I was sad. You said you’d write me a letter, that you didn’t know why it had upset you so much, when all I had wanted was to know your feelings about me. You said that almost six months ago. You did draw me a picture of me under a tree in the snow, and it’s cute. But it’s not how you FEEL about me. Why did you promise to write me a letter, to put cute things in the book I made you, if you’re never going to?

Just thinking about all of this is making me even more upset. Why does everything always have to hurt so badly? I’m just simple. All I want is to have a place of my own, to come home to my love and maybe a dog. I want to do well in school and just be happy. I want someone to write down how they feel about me on a piece of paper, seriously, just let every single emotion overflow onto the paper so that I can feel better. If you’re not willing to spend money on us, to go do nice things, instead you want me to buy you pieces with MY money and who knows what the fuck else.

I need to stop writing, all I’m doing is perpetuating the ball of anger in my stomach. How can I go to yoga when I’m this angry?

I’m trying really hard to keep in mind that the first thing I do in any given situation is overreact. I’m trying to bring myself back to the middle, so that I’m not dramatizing a situation that isn’t even what I perceive it to be. I don’t even know when you wrote that, about your items for sale and your Glock 19 or what the fuck ever it is you want to buy now.

I know you’re better. I know you don’t max out multiple credit cards buying fishtanks and exotic fish that cost thousands of dollars. You just don’t, and for that I am thankful. And I’m trying not to be selfish, because I feel like I am being so. But seeing your list and what you wanted to buy, it just irked me. It made me think of all the times I’ve saved up my hard earned money to do nice things for us. And it’s not that you don’t do nice things for us. You do, but usually? With your parents money. And that gives me a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t like that a lot of the times that I eat, it’s because of your parents.

It just bothers me that I’m over here using half of my paycheck to try and do something nice for your birthday or to take us on a nice vacation together, and you’re trying to sell your stuff… so you can get another gun. Guns are useful, yes. But can you shoot four or five guns (however many you have) at once? And I really don’t want an answer that has to do with the end of the world, because to be honest with you, I’m tired of it. Yeah, I’ll fucking buy extra food and water for emergencies, but if I have to fight for my life? Something tells me a glock 19 isn’t going to do shit against an a-bomb.

You need to stop living like the world is going to end, because chances are, the government might change and everything might SUCK ASS, but we’re probably still going to be alive, still going to have to pay for a place to live, and so maybe just maybe you shouldn’t spend every last fucking dollar that you get on weapons, especially when big brother will probably just come and take them all away from you. Then what have you got? Nothing. No money, no guns, not a thing.

God, I just hate thinking this way, but sometimes you just seem completely disinterested in doing nice things for me with your own money. Forget smoking pot, forget the houses, I could honestly fucking care LESS about them anymore. I’m tired of living like I’m nineteen. More importantly, you’re almost 27 years old. You just spend the majority of the little money that you had, which was supposed to go towards paying your astronomical credit card bill, fixing your car. You claim to be a logical person, but in my mind, I just want to scream and shake you and ask you WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I just can’t. Part of me needs a break from this. I know I love you, I know you’re the only fucking one for me. But you make me so mad and sometimes I feel like you just don’t care about making me feel special.

And here I go, probably overreacting about something you MAY have written six months ago? a year ago? before you even met me? But I can’t help it, I want to cry because here I am thinking I can get a bachelors degree in two years so that we can start our life together and you’re busy deciding which gun to buy next.

I want to throw up. I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t even want to see you today, to go to dinner, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know if I’m right, because I’m probably not. I’m probably just losing my fucking mind. I just want to know… when are you going to start caring about the future instead of preparing for a lack of one?

my laptop is about to die. I should go upstairs, but my doggy is sleeping next to me keeping my leg warm by breathing on it.

I’ve still got over a hundred pages of reading to do, and a forum is due tonight. I know I need to get started, but I’m lacking motivation. Ugh, gloom.

Something about these movies I’ve watched and the way everything looks, just makes me want to go through my days fucking high so I don’t have to think about it.

I want the world to feel beautiful and I don’t want to dwell on bad things at the end of it all. I want all the happiness I’ve ever felt to flow through me like the wind, but never leave. I got a glimpse of that feeling yesterday. It caught me off guard, it choked me up. I’m so scared. But the difference is now that I’ve found my other half, I’m not willing to give up.

I’m sad today, but I’m determined to make it better.

Why do we fight? Is it the time of the year, or rather, the end of the year, that’s making me crazy? I miss you right now, this very second. I missed you all night long, just wishing I could hold you tightly and not let the shit get in between us. I almost wish I hadn’t said the things I’d said last night, because I know they hurt you, but at the same time, they were making me implode. I had to get them out. I had to hear your side. And I did and I feel better. I want to be able to calmly talk to you about things that anger us.

And so, how did I make today better? I woke up at 6am to put in laundry and promptly laid back in bed, telling myself I was wide awake and I could live like this, but I wished I could live on five hours of sleep instead of seven. But instead of seven, I slept for nine, because I went back to sleep. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d woken up, cleaned my boots, eaten breakfast, read a book, played piano, exercised, something. I just wish I could wake up.

But then along with all of these things that are scittering about inside my brain, there’s the calm, sleepy desire to stay in bed all day with that attractive man of mine. Somewhere in my anxious body, I just want him. I want plants, fruits, vegetables, everything, life, growing inside our beautiful cottage in the side of a mountain. I want happiness, no anger. I want to be healthy and I want him. I want all of him, inside me, on top of me, breathing his breath, his heart beating mine. I want to tear away all of my insecurities, I want to break away from our dependent lives and live together, alone finally, so that I have nothing to worry about.

So needless to say, I’m frustrated, sexually, as I’m sure he is too. I’m frustrated that I made him spend $40 on a piece of shit slide projector. I’m frustrated that the human race is selfish and that in order to keep us in line, our government poisons us. I’m frustrated that I have to sleep. I’m frustrated that I still have 15-25 pounds to lose. I’m frustrated that I have to sleep for 7 hours every night and that it can’t be with you. I’m frustrated that I miss you, and I can’t be with you. I’m frustrated that I have to leave for work in an hour and a half and I have to exercise and read and all sorts of bullshit that I don’t have time for because I have to continue to work and do school and try to lose weight ALL WITHOUT LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. I’m frustrated that I’m bleeding out of my uterus and my face is breaking out. I’m frustrated that my hair isn’t growing fast enough. I’m frustrated that I can’t call out sick, because once I get there, it won’t be so bad, I know that. But I have so many other things to learn, to read, to breathe, to feel AND I CAN’T DO THEM BECAUSE I CAN’T GET OUT OF BED AND I CAN’T STOP CRYING. I’m frustrated that I can’t fucking appreciate who I have and all he does. He’s fucking amazing, bonnie, you know that, and you love him. Don’t mess this up because you’re impatient.

God, I’ve had this lump in my throat for days now and my stomach is in knots and I just want to go live in a Canadian forest somewhere away from big brother and just BE, just let me fucking be. Let me grow my food, let me build my house, make my furniture, sell my soaps and oils online and let me have my babies and keep them safe from the aluminum ridden waters.

I think I need a vacation, I need to be somewhere I can lay in bed all day, naked, with him next to me, with fruits and veggies and maybe some alcohol, somewhere where the frustrated forehead lines dissipate and the only thing on my mind is how his body feels on mine.

I always feel better after yoga. And after a big lunch of good vegetable stew and salad, I feel nourished and just happier. And I can’t think of a better way to go into 2012. I feel so much stronger than I used to be.

It’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m excited to give Craigory his presents. There’s going to be so much food, it’s ridiculous, but oddly the thing I’m most excited about is the creamed spinach :)

It’s weird, it’s like I’m not at all the person I used to be. I don’t really look like her anymore, my hair is different and my face is skinnier. My shoulders are definitely more toned up and I’m getting fit. At least, even though I feel like I’m stagnant, I’m doing the right thing by not giving up. I’m really losing weight and making new habits and my old habits are gone.Maybe, just maybe, I’m even learning patience.

I feel like 2012 is going to be a really successful year, for school, for my health, for everything. I’m going to get my pack ready for the imminent end of the world, (who knows when it will come, gotta be ready) but I’m not going to worry. I’m going to live my life in health and happiness and in purpose, to finish school, to learn and to do my best because my best is perfect and all I have to do is believe it.